I Think I Can See Where You're Going Wrong Page 4

  Our physical world is emptying. 99% of the population is connected by a curious thread of compulsion to screens, which they cannot and will not break. Nobody knocks on a door, nobody shouts in the street, save when they are drunk; even then they are doomed to be photographed and have their embarrassing image made screen-ready. We are deeply alone, in the midst of permanent and instant connectedness. Do not expect answers, for we are never at home, or at ease.

  It took me ages to figure out why people think that various things are less than three: ‘<3’.

  Is ‘lol’ still allowed?

  Of course not, lmao.

  Re: Reply-all email howlers

  Scrolling down my contact list I once chose ‘Snowden, Edward’ and not ‘Snowden, Eric’ when sending round a few documents about this and that. It was OK though, I don’t think anyone noticed my error.

  I didn’t think I had made any embarrassing email gaffes. But just contacted GCHQ and they told me I had made lots of them …

  I once sent a naked picture to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, it also cost a fortune in stamps.

  Sending a group email to the Really Very Important people at work, I signed it off with ‘Regards’ as I normally do. Have you ever noticed that the ‘g’ key and the ‘t’ key are quite close together on a keyboard? Can you think about what happens if your finger slips ever so slightly when typing that one, simple word? That was quite a moment.

  Someone I knew once sent a letter, ‘Yours faithfukky’ …

  After a number of high-profile incidents of the ‘reply to all’ nature, the very large law firm I used to work for introduced a system where if you want to send an email to an external participant on any email-reply chain it would trigger series of prompts: Are you sure you want to send this to an external participant? Y/N Are you really really really sure? Y/N We are so sacking you if you mess this up! Y/N

  Emoticons are the communications equivalent of fluffy dice.

  My response to emoticons being a substitute for real communication: :(

  I Skyped** my GP and said I thought I had a virus. He said to have a scan, and if that didn’t work, try taking it into PC World.

  Thanks to Skype I’ve shared details with complete strangers on other sides of the planet. Namely the American Security Services.

  The Robot Uprising Draws Closer

  Re: Household appliances gaining sentience and taking over the world

  We certainly need clarification of what the legal position is if a human is slain by white goods. Maybe no case to answer, if the guarantee has run out?

  Re: Internet-connected appliances gaining sentience

  Trust me, this is totally escapable if you live in rural Wales …

  I popped a wholemeal slice into my Russell Hobbs toaster and the voice of Linda Snell from The Archers emerged, lecturing me on the importance of having regular vaginal swabs. Like most people I had mine removed when I left the council house and moved into a semi-detached.

  Removed what? Your vagina, or your toaster?

  Well they both have a ‘pop-up’ function. God, isn’t technology marvellous?

  Listen. Understand. That Terminator is out there. It can’t be reasoned with; it can’t be bargained with. It doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear and it absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead.

  Sounds like my mum.

  I worry that if all this technology starts communicating with itself, it will already be one step above me on the evolutionary ladder as I still have not been able to communicate with girls, and I’m told they are the same species as me.

  A smart-fridge, that refuses to open after being emailed by your smart-clothes to say that the wearer is getting a bit porky, would be annoying.

  ‘Open the Pad Thai door, HAL!’ ‘I’m sorry, I can’t do that right now, Dave … I can’t let you endanger the mission … to keep your trousers fitting properly. I’m shutting down Pasta Support now. Goodbye, Dave.’

  Essentials for Modern Living

  I could often murder my alarm clock. Justifiable homicide?

  Re: Dishwashers

  In a few centuries time they’ll look back at us and ask, ‘How could they be so lazy as to waste precious energy on an expensive machine just to wash dishes?’ Plus they are lousy for poaching salmon, despite some claims to the contrary.

  We are sorry. Your eCar cannot currently be started. Windows is searching for a new driver.

  Re: Batteries made from sugar

  Would it work with aspartame?

  Corn tastes best when soybean miso is spread on it. So, I wonder, would corn be a better biofuel if miso was added to it?

  Instead of inventing washing machines that can be switched on via a mobile phone, allowing you that precious extra hour at work, couldn’t these sadists come up with some labour-saving devices that allow us a little more time with those we love?

  3D Printing

  I would like to be the first to welcome our new 3D-printed overlords.

  This printed Keanu Reeves doll actually has more facial expression than the real one.

  I didn’t know Keanu Reeves HAD three dimensions?

  Re: 3D-printed food

  I thought fast food was already being printed and that’s why it tastes like cardboard soaked in mayonnaise.

  * 3-D printing: using a machine to create real-life, replicated models out of chemical substances. Possibly witchcraft.

  † Google’s latest invention is ‘Google Glass’ – the company is so intent on making our lives more efficient they’ve shortened the word ‘glasses’ to give us more time in the day. Google Glass is a smartphone built into a pair of spectacles, and make you feel (a) terrifyingly like you’re living in the future and (b) a bit of a prat.

  ‡ Readers of a certain age will recognise this reference to the hit TV show Knight Rider, in which David Hasselhoff talked to his car through his watch, and no one thought he was mad.

  § Dr Dre: rapper. Not a real doctor.

  ¶ A reference to a classic episode of the vintage British sitcom Dad’s Army. For reference the scene in question is easy to find on youtube and absolutely worth your time.

  || This is a real thing.

  ** Skype: video chat, like on Star Trek but with added yells of ‘I can’t see you, is your camera on? Can you see me? Can you call me instead?’

  5

  My Family and Other Animals

  Family is, of course, the most important thing in the world to many people. This is why BBC3 continues to show the same 12 episodes of Family Guy on continuous loop and BBC1 carried on making My Family for years, even though it was terrible. Guardianistas love their families as much as anyone else – providing they put the rubbish in the correct bin for recycling, don’t mess too much with the thermostat and let them watch Family Guy before bedtime. Every family has its own traditions, its own values, and its own way of embarrassing its children, and our comments give a lovely snapshot into a weird world of Sunday dinners and ethical Christmases.

  Modern Family Traditions

  We enjoy Japanese animated films, and once a month we dress up as Victorians and go out for the day. Absolutely true.

  In my house we have many fine traditions. My favourite takes place on Saturday afternoons: Arabella and Hannibal, my two children, will often sit together and see who can remember the most lines from Hamlet. I look on, macchiato in hand, and gently chide them when they become too competitive, or when they start trying to sneak in quotations from King Lear, the cheeky devils!

  We eat a meal together seven days a week, love folk music and go on two holidays a year, one of which is always in the UK. Next: a week in the Highlands, camping, hiking, whisky and generally trying to get the kids not to stab each other. The other holiday is to places like Zambia, Indonesia, Madagascar – the kids love it that much that they put up with the UK bit.

  Every summer, weather permitting, her outdoors and I attend a nice and secluded meadow near Welham Green and indulge in s
ome very good alfresco sex; hardly a family tradition but then again we are not a typical family … god forbid.

  Re: Is the TV show Outnumbered an accurate look at family life?

  I have never seen Outnumbered. I don’t have time to watch TV as I am too busy looking after my kids.

  In our family there is no such thing as ‘my money’. We are a unit, and so it is ‘our money’.

  Parenting

  I can’t believe the writer of this article actually used the word ‘parenting’. Parent is a noun not a verb.*

  I detested childhood, until I discovered what the degradations of adulthood in a contemporary neoliberal society entailed. Now I just hate life altogether.

  Re. Moving your family to a new town for school

  Research before you move, particularly when you are moving to a rural area with limited resources. We’ve had an influx of people moving to our area in recent years, they spend half their time moaning there is no Waitrose and that the pub serves pork pies rather than rocket salad.

  No Waitrose?!

  I did a Forest School course at the weekend. UK kids are the unhappiest in Europe and the only antidote is a couple of hours a week being driven to some woodland and told to play with mud.

  Re: Family dinners

  Ready-meals, ready-made lifestyles, ready-made outlook, ready-made sentiments. Pretty soon, the only thing we’ll be capable of making is a mess of our lives.

  My dad worked hard to bring home the bacon.

  Bacon? Isn’t that ‘dietary abuse’? Children have been taken into care for less.

  Hmmm, I’m not even sure about the ‘bring home’ bit. Isn’t home delivery more ecologically sound?

  Whenever someone asks, ‘Does your wife work?’, I say, ‘All the time, but she’s not earning any money.’

  Re: Lily Allen claiming babies are boring

  Who thought babies were meant to be a thrilling leisure activity? Tell her to buy a skateboard.

  My baby hasn’t even got a Twitter account yet, so we’ve no idea when he needs changing or wants feeding.

  Sometimes we’ll be at a party all night long and he won’t even send an IM on Facebook to let us know how he is. Selfish little sod.

  Here in the US eating freeze-dried placenta is becoming popular. Not my cup of tea though.

  Where do you think Tesco’s burgers come from, since the horsemeat scandal?

  Re: Eating the placenta after giving birth

  My wife and I ate it with garlic, salt and pepper with perhaps just some red pepper and courgette. No, not washed down by a nice Chianti. We live in the Languedoc, after all. For the record, she recovered from the (natural, home) birth in record time and attributes it to the celebratory dinner.

  First two weeks of paternity leave: ‘This is the most amazing thing in the world! Babies are amazing!’ Next ten weeks: ‘Move or … do something!’

  Name That Baby

  I’d rather have Peyton, Edward or Alfonso than David, Ian or Nigel. Don’t even try to mention Boris.

  Re: The Pope encouraging parents to choose Christian names

  Overheard in a supermarket, a mother yelling at a child: ‘Stop that now, our Reebok.’ REEBOK? Definitely a case needing the Pope’s intervention.

  Parents should not be allowed to buy books called ‘Baby Names’. They forget that they are not naming a cute little baby; they are naming someone who they hope will become a confident happy 30-year-old. Called Sonny, or Fifi. The books should be called ‘Person-who-will-be-choosing-your-retirement-home Names’.

  When I moved to Oz 30-odd years ago, I met a couple who had named their daughter ‘Lamorna’.

  I mentioned that the only Lamorna that I knew about was Lamorna Cove in Cornwall. The lady blushed and said, ‘It was a beautiful beach … and there was nobody around!’

  There seems to be a trend towards naming a child after the place where she or he was conceived. For instance, I know of a Coimbra, a Venezia, a Pula – though not, unless someone is keeping quiet about it, a BackseatofaHillmanMinx.

  I used to have a Hillman Minx and take it from me conception would have been a miracle.

  Before you commit to naming a child, you should say the name over and over. The problem with the name Noah is it just isn’t pleasant ‘in the mouth’ – when saying it, the face naturally forms into an expression of distaste.

  Trying to think about names that are pleasurable in the mouth … Horatio?

  I tried doing this with my son Candyman,† it did not end well.

  I waited my whole life (to this point) to name a son after my father Alfred. For most of this time ‘Alfie’ or ‘Alf’ has been deeply unfashionable, which was much to my liking. Imagine my horror when my lazy breeding schedule coincided with a million other Alfies, leaving me to explain that I don’t watch EastEnders to a disbelieving public.

  I called my children Nye (short for Aneurin, after Bevan) and Rosa (after Luxembourg and Parks). They have only come across two others in their lives with the same names.

  … Go Together Like a

  Horse and Carriage?

  Re: Should you wear an engagement ring?

  I find engaged people never shut up about it, so a physical display is rarely needed.

  Re: The cost of wedding dresses

  If you get divorced and then get married again in the same dress it becomes much better value.

  We went to the Register Office in our ordinary clothes, bought in the sales. No rings. Same contract.

  I had a completely green, eco, carbon-free wedding: I didn’t have one.

  Who the hell would marry anyone called Freddie?

  I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

  I always felt that Christmas was meant to teach children how to cope with disappointment and boredom.

  On Christmas Day I expect home cooking at its best. Only the Christmas pudding is bought ready-made. I am actually doing wild boar this year.

  Getting completely soused as a family on vast quantities of wines, beers and spirits is a tradition I for one would keep. Anything else is essentially superfluous.

  Oh yes, the joys of substance abuse …

  From the age of about seven my younger brother used to dress up as the art-loving nun, Sister Wendy, to distribute the gifts on Christmas morning. He was too young to make a convincing Father Christmas and that was our next best bet. It didn’t seem strange at the time.

  We always have a HUGE bottle of full-sugar Ribena, as a treat.

  We watch no television at Christmas, none at all. We consider this a great bonus.

  My Animals and Other Family

  The only person everyone in my family likes is the dog.

  While I was driving along this morning my two-year-old boy took the opportunity to point out: ‘Dad … Hedgehogs don’t talk.’ He’s right. Weird, but right.

  I was watching a hedgehog and a rat fighting in the garden over a bit of bread … it went on for ages but the hedgehog eventually won on points.

  I’m not surprised. You could never call them spineless.

  I think the rat probably felt a bit of a prick, come the end.

  It’s illegal to keep monkeys as pets, and yet it’s OK to elect one as mayor of London?

  Re: Model Cara Delevingne’s pet rabbit

  The bunny can be eaten if Cara falls on hard times. I would suggest a light red wine, with mushroom and cream sauce.

  I gave my dog Fifty Shades of Grey‡ on his Kindle for Christmas, and as soon as I can free myself from these dog leads, I’m going right ahead and deleting it.

  As a husband, father of two daughters and servant of a cat, I have a dog to maintain some sense of ego and authority. It’s nice to be admired and adored.

  Re: The parrot who got a job at Legoland

  Pieces of eight … or two fours will do.