I Think I Can See Where You're Going Wrong Page 6
Main Attraction: Betty’s Cafe … Better standard of life … Betty’s tea cakes are five times as good as your southern tea cakes.
Hounslow
Hounslow, can you go?
Leeds
LSD and a couple of Es.
Leicester
No amount of dead Plantagenets would ever entice me back to Leicester.
Liverpool
Who’d live in a Scouse like this?
Liverpool
Liver-poo.
London
Who’d want to live in Southampton rather than Notting Hill, Mayfair, Knightsbridge, Chelsea, Hampstead, Camden, Brixton, Whitechapel or Soho? No one I know.
London
I’d die of boredom and enforced celibacy anywhere other than East London. My only worry is the pace of gentrification round here. It’s in danger of losing its edge.
London
The countryside? Yes, I love it and visit often, but to live? No, thanks. My villages are Dulwich, Blackheath and Barnes. If I decide to go oop north, Highgate will do me.
London
‘In praise of Peckham’? Good luck with that.
London
Move to New Cross? I’d rather take a wire brush to my scrotum.
London
The World is your Oyster Card.
Luton
Can Luton please become ‘Lutonshire’ and thus stop blighting the reputation of the otherwise gorgeous county of Bedfordshire?
Manchester
No one wants to go there. I hear it’s cold, violent and lacks even the basics – like sushi and decent tapas.
Manchester
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.
Milton Keynes
You’ll like it, in a roundabout way.
Morecambe
Very Wise.
Newcastle
Newcastle is one of the greatest places in Britain. Comparing it to London is like comparing ice-cream to horse manure.
Newcastle
Drink till you puke, eat a kebab, then punch a policeman and nick his horse.
Norfolk
Constant nose-to-tail traffic, sugarbeet smells, that accent, a lot of God Shops, expensive housing, no social housing, full of tourists, no IKEA and worst of all, more Wetherspoons than any other county.
The North
I was born in Lancashire and spent five years in Yorkshire at university and afterwards. I’m truly torn as to where my loyalties lie, but at least I’m not from Down South.
The North
Do not publish articles about places north of Stoke – people will start moving up here and we don’t want that, do we?
Nottingham
Nottingham. Drink till you puke, eat a kebab, then punch a policeman.
Plymouth
Being cut off from the rest of the country twice a year merely adds to our unique charm.
Ramsbottom
If the town is as boring as [hometown band] Elbow I’m not going near it.
Scunthorpe
Ignored by search engines with high moral standards.
Southend
If you think this is shit, you’ve clearly never been to Tilbury.
The Isle of Skye
I bet the nearest M&S food department is, like, a hundred miles away.
Solihull
Solihull is a classic ‘actually’ town, as in: ‘Are you from Birmingham?’ ‘No, Solihull actually’, although then topped by ‘Are you from Solihull?’ ‘No, Knowle actually’, and so on as you work your way out to ever-posher Warwickshire villages …
The South
Why would anybody want to live in the South East of England? It’s ghastly!
Stockport
I once said to my son that when I picture Stockport, I always think it’s raining there. He replied, ‘It’s the tears of the people.’
Watford
Watfor?
Wales
I particularly like the way that ‘Cymru’ is advertised as soon as you go anywhere west of London. It does give Wales that sort of mythical, mystic, old-worldly dimensional quality that seems to be lacking in Watford.
Wallsend
The blight at the end of the tunnel.
Wokingham
It pisses me off that everyone is saying that Wokingham is a boring place. The gay scene is awesome there and it must have more S&M clubs per head of population than anywhere else in Britain. Why was that not reported?
Congratulations on whipping up enthusiasm for Wokingham.
Worcester
Not as saucy as you’d think.
Yorkshire
Only two good things to come out of Yorkshire: Alan Bennett and the road into Lancashire.
York
Old York. (I OY)
8
Now That’s What I Call Culture
The Guardian’s cultural community is an odd beast. On the one hand we have some of the best music and film criticism going and our readers reflect this – they are knowledgeable, obsessive, passionate and will argue, recommend or write daft puns at the drop of a hat. We also have a lively and smart arts readership who pitch in with their views on the latest classical music, opera and theatre; and of course we live in a world of endless popcorn movies and reality TV – indeed our X-Factor and Apprentice live blogs are the stuff of internet legend. These three communities, it has to be said, tend not to rub along all that well: the arty crowd look down on the pop culture lot, the pop culture lot look down on the reality TV lot, the reality TV lot look down on reality TV contestants, and Simon Cowell looks down on all of them, rubbing his hands and cackling.
Now That’s What I Call Festivals
Re: 2014 Glastonbury line-up
A good gauge of how old you’ve become can be gleaned by counting the number of bands that you are familiar with appearing at Glastonbury. This year’s list confirms that I must be at least 120 years old.
The line-up in no way interests or excites me, apart from one or two acts. Me? I’ll be running around the stone circle, nude, covering up my genitals with a mandolin.
The best Glastonbury was 2005: I didn’t bring wellingtons, never mind a coat, so I went barefoot for the whole weekend. It was liberating.
I don’t want to be a killjoy on this subject, but today’s youth gather in even bigger groups than we did back in the 1960s/1970s. The emissions of methane and other toxic gasses from the human body help to destroy the ozone layer.
South by South West Festival? Where advertising and the best of corporate America meets what’s left of rock ’n’ roll.
Now That’s What I Call
Boybands to Britpop
The success of One Direction shows why teenage girls should not be allowed money.
Q: What’s blue and can’t sing?
A: Blue.*
Re: Forgotten boybands
Anyone remember Let Loose?†
Was that a laxative?
I’m still shocked by my recent discovery that 5ive now have only four members.
Austerity.
Re: Article that stated, ‘The intensity of support for Harry Styles and Co. demands I crown them [One Direction] the best [boyband] of all time.’
Glad this writer wasn’t at the Nuremberg Rallies.
Saying One Direction is ‘the best boyband ever’ is like saying chlamydia is the best STD ever.
I was into battle rap before it got commercial.
I, personally, will NEVER take trash like hip hop seriously. Just leave me with talented artists of quality: the likes of Dizzy, John Coltrane, Clifford Brown, Thelonious Monk and Sarah Vaughan.
Re: 2Pac brought back to life as a hologram
Imagine what could be done in ballet! A new version of The Rite of Spring as choreographed by Pina Bausch, with the young Pina in the main role, surrounded by real dancers …
The only time P. Diddy‡ has been relevant is when Nas dressed up in some sort of homage to him in his Hate Me Now video. Diddy has never been relevant.
Re: The j
oy of pop music
Has the writer never heard, or come across, any classical music (Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms, John Tavener, Messiaen, Gibbons, Byrd, Victoria, Purcell?). Popular stuff’s OK for switch-off or disco-dancing times, but you can draw so much more from the classical canon!
Re: New remasters of Nirvana’s Nevermind
You should have bought the albums on vinyl. Remastering is vandalism.
Re: Beyoncé’s ‘Mrs Carter’ tour
Well, as long as the tour is called that, I won’t be buying a ticket. It’s a ruddy disgrace. Further, if the weather’s nice tomorrow I’ll be smashing all my Beyoncé CDs in the garden with a toffee hammer.
‘Popular chart music’ is frequently (though not exclusively) a deliberately narrow selection chosen by career philistine accountants and broadcast editors for the benefit of the shareholders, and is therefore obviously not in any way representative of the wonder, beauty and power of music.
Re: Britpop§
Three chords and Beatles rehashes do not really make a pop movement.
Can all the people on this forum claiming that ‘Disco 2000’ by Pulp is a better song than ‘Crazy in Love’ please link to photographs of themselves. I have a mental picture of what you look like, but I’d like to see if I am right or not.
Re: Pulp’s ‘Common People’ voted favourite Britpop anthem
Well, although as an award it’s right up there with being ‘Least bad British Leyland designed and built car’, it’s certainly deserved.
I nominate the Triumph Dolomite Sprint for that accolade.
Does anybody know if Louise Wener from Sleeper is still gorgeous?
From what I remember of interviews with her, I suspect she still thinks so.
No one has ever written a song as good as ‘Disco Down’ by Shed Seven.¶
Re: Britpop
A stinking cesspit of mediocrity and vile characters wallowing in a miasma of regressive banality with not an original idea among them, I hope they all rot in hell. Especially the cheese-maker from Blur.
Now That’s What I Call Strictly
Britain’s Got the Talent Idol Factor
Re: The X Factor
Horrible, horrible show. I would shoot my own children if they liked this.
People are hungry for a real talent show with writer/musicians showcasing their works. Singers that do not write/play are of little interest to me, like a waiter presenting the chef’s craft.
Re: New series of The X Factor announced
First a massive plane crash, then all that NSA bollocks, and now this? Thanks for ruining my Tuesday, world!
I think the difference between X-Factor judges and the coalition government is that no matter how dislikeable the judges may come across, they do have some experience and knowledge of the things they’re talking about.
I honestly believe Simon Cowell is a psychopath. He has about as much empathy as a Nazi dentist.
I hate the way X Factor has turned the Christmas number one into a boring over-commercialised piece of forgettable crap. I miss the good old days of real musicians like Spice Girls and Westlife.
It is increasingly clear that [X-Factor winner] Matt Cardle’s hat is being used to pass on messages from aliens.
Now That’s What I Call Christmas
Sainsbury’s was playing a load of 1940s Christmas stuff this week. It was like grocery shopping in Fallout 3.||
To make a blow for culture, could the Guardian put together a CD (or download) of Solstice music that is guaranteed to be free of sectarian references?
While I am normally very tolerant, ‘Mistletoe and Wine’ makes me think religious persecution isn’t always a bad thing.
Re: iPods
This toy certainly hasn’t changed the way I listen to music – on a comfy sofa with a glass of single malt and a high-end hi-fi system, not on a bus with poncy earbuds and an MP3 compressed to within an inch of its life.
Now That’s What I Call The Beatles
Re: Picture of the Beatles having a pillow fight
I think Ringo** ruins it.
I agree. Ringo has not got the technical pillowsmanship of the others. That’s what held them back in those early days. Pete Best was a much better pillow fighter. Who knows how good they could have been with cushion in hand if he’d stayed around?
Did you know that Beatlemania is an anagram of braindead cretinous fandom? True story.
Now That’s What I Call Telly
Downton Abbey, or as the Tories like to call it, ‘a fly-on-the-wall documentary’.
Downton Abbey has done great service to Britain. By keeping Cameron and Osborne glued to the screen each week (under the impression they are watching grandfather’s home movies) it ensures one day a week when the risk of their meddling is reduced.
Every day, I’m glad I don’t have a TV.
Re: Homeland
Have to admit to being slightly ashamed of myself for watching something that has its origins in an Israeli series though. Is Channel 4 indirectly subsidising Israel?
After seeing a few episodes of My Family my desire to see anything made by British TV on the British family has shrivelled up and died.
Re: ‘My favourite show is Top Gear.’
Great, you’re a Tory and petrolhead that sees consumerist ownership as an extension of your male virility then.
Jeremy Paxman is a god.
A rather terrifying Old Testament one, but yes.
University Challenge is pretty much the only thing on TV that’s worth watching.
I suggest you all get a copy of Dennis Potter’s Singing Detective and watch it up to Joanne Whalley’s immortal line (no spoiler here) and the dance breakout to ‘Dem Bones’. Then consider whether all these American shows you seem to think are so great are really worth the inordinate amount of hours you have to invest, when you can just replay that.
Re: The Golden Girls
Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like Bea?
Re: Doctor Who
I will never forget the Doctor’s and Captain Jack’s kiss in the first reboot series. Absolutely breathtaking, not only for the fact that it was broadcast at all, but for the fact that here we have two men sufficiently comfortable with themselves that they can actually snog on screen!
If the Doctor is kissing anyone then it’s not The Doctor. Why not freshen it up by getting rid of the TARDIS, the Doctor, the companions, and all references to science fiction; and adding five male comedians plus Jenny Eclair†† to discuss in a light-hearted manner the issues of the day?
I had a choice between watching Mrs Brown’s Boys and hammering rusty nails into my balls. Has anyone got some pliers? I’ve been stuck here for hours.
I was disappointed when I heard that William and Kate chose to name their first-born son – and the future king – ‘George’. I was really hoping they would go with ‘Joffrey’.
Re: Game of Thrones
Hodor.
You summed up my feelings perfectly.
Hodor!‡‡ Hodor!
Now That’s What I Call Movies
Re: Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Great how middle-class Guardianistas can read/watch romanticised/rose-tinted books/films about prostitution and describe them as ‘escapism’.