I Think I Can See Where You're Going Wrong Read online

  Re: James Bond

  GoldenEye. A film so 1990s they could have swapped Brosnan with Quentin Wilson from Top Gear and no one would have noticed.

  Re: Back to the Future

  To this day I instantly assume anyone driving a VW camper is a Libyan terrorist.

  Re: Predator

  It’s big, it’s dumb, it’s ludicrously homo-erotic, it’s military fetishism and it’s massively right wing in tone. Bloody brilliant, it is.

  Re: Should we have more Star Wars films?

  Just think how many nurses we could employ with all that money? Or food banks we could build?

  Re: Some Like It Hot

  Poor man’s Nuns on the Run.

  Re: Ghostbusters

  You forgot the most 1980s thing about the whole film: the world is saved by a small business.

  Re: Aronofsky’s Noah

  It’s obviously another pro-eugenics film coming out of the Hollywood fascist propaganda machine.

  Re: Muppets Most Wanted

  Gulags, mass murder and the concentration camp system: why are we allowed to laugh at this? [It shows] lack of taste and sensitivity for the suffering of millions of victims of Soviet terror. Next sequel: Muppets go to Mauthausen?

  Re: New Flintstones Movies

  Yabba dabba don’t.

  Re: Spider-Man

  So how does Spider-Man become Spider-Man then? Something to do with a spider I bet?

  He was a spider bitten by a radioactive man.

  Re: Star Wars

  Strange how most people get caught in the superstructure and do not understand or appreciate the layered, esoteric content and instruction that is the real substructure of the whole series. It is not the superficial action (of variable quality) that has captivated the public for almost 40 years but the archetypes within it that are also buried in the human psyche.

  Re: My Best Friend’s Wedding

  Two hot women, one a sweet blonde, the other a ‘difficult’ brunette fighting for the love of a dull man. No thanks. If I want outdated sexist stereotypes, I don’t have to pay to see them.

  Re: The Bodyguard

  Good god, no. I’d take a bullet instead of watching this!

  Re: The Bodyguard

  I misread the description of this film as containing a ‘horrifying song’, which is absolutely accurate.

  Nosferatu probably seems a bit lame now that Iain Duncan Smith is featuring so prominently in daily life. We’ve been desensitised.

  Harry Potter’s subtext is the subjugation of women by an all-powerful, hidden patriarchy. The heroine of the story is Hermione – who must adopt male traits in order to battle the patriarchy for acceptance – despite the added disadvantage of being of mixed birth. Harry Potter is merely the foil for this great feminist work.

  Re: Titanic in 3D

  Apparently you can polish a turd.

  Michael Bay and Zack Snyder are among the most under-appreciated directors working in Hollywood.

  What you say is 100% true, within the stripper and adult entertainment community.

  Twins is a work of unfairly maligned genius.

  Re: Seth Rogen

  I hated him before it was popular to do so.

  Forrest Gump has a running time of 142 minutes. Cut out 141.5 minutes and leave the few bars of Jimi Hendrix in the middle. That will improve it enormously.

  Re: Django Unchained

  Am I the only one who thought it was a trite revenge fantasy? Or the only one who had a problem with the idea that the big bad guy in a movie about slavery was a black slave? Or that the cartoonish nonsense so admired by the reviewer here sat very uneasily with the gruesome and serious depictions of slavery?

  Now That’s What I Call Proper Culture

  Re: What makes a good theatre date?

  A nice snooze. I can’t resist a good nap during a visit to the theatre. Comfy seats, warmth, people talking in the background – lovely.

  Re: The Proms

  It’s very useful to have all these flag-waving, tubthumping jingoists in one place at one time.

  Why does Nigel Kennedy have to turn up looking like Worzel Gummidge?

  Never pee in the basement at the Old Vic. They’re AWFUL toilets. Even if I’m sitting in the stalls, I’ll always go to the top level and use the ladies there.

  I once got free cheese at the bar in the Southwark Playhouse, which was outstanding.

  No one of any age should be made to watch The Taming of the Shrew. I think I’d need Ritalin to sit through it myself.

  Just watching a series of Chaplin’s Mutual Comedies on the Franco-German channel, Arte.

  Well, who isn’t?

  I’m currently watching Jacques Tati on Serbo-Croat channel, Arse.

  I would love to see more experimental/new theatre in local theatres.

  Well, I am frustrated by the increased number of experimental and modernist productions that are now put on at local places such as the Birmingham Rep and Warwick Arts Centre. I am an old-fashioned woman who wants to see classic 19th- and 20th-century plays.

  Re: Solving the problems of the West End

  Want to solve the problem of a ‘musical’? Cut the music. I believe it’s then called a ‘play’, and it’s quite a bit better.

  * Blue: boyband. Lovely voices, no braincells.

  † Let Loose: 90s boyband, played their own instruments, were ‘Crazy For You’.

  ‡ P Diddy: rapper, known variously as Puff Daddy, Puffy and Diddy. Actual name is Sean.

  § Britpop: 90s musical movement that celebrated the best bands of the 60s and 70s by sounding exactly the same as them.

  ¶ Shed Seven: unjustly overlooked indie band, though not as overlooked as Sheds One to Six.

  || Fallout 3: Post-apocalyptic computer game.

  ** Ringo Starr: voice of Thomas the Tank Engine, not even the best drummer in the Beatles.

  †† Jenny Eclair: gobby comedian, now novelist.

  ‡‡ Hodor: Hodor, hodor. Hodor?

  9

  Spot the Ball

  Certain subjects can be considered toxic to internet conversations, as anyone who has ever read our ‘Poem of the Week’ column will know. However nothing, nothing, starts arguments like sport. By its very nature it is the most partisan, shouty, gloriously combustible section of the entire site and when a big event happens, such as a certain Uruguayan footballer getting a bit bitey, or a certain Scottish/British [delete as applicable] grumpy tennis player crashing out of a major tournament, the internet fair explodes. Happily the sport community is also filled with less volatile little corners, full of people talking lovingly about cricket, racing, cycling or curling with an endearing passion for the most niche of sports. Anyone for fencing, or lacrosse?

  The Beautiful Game

  I can’t be the only one who hates the football for delaying Toy Story 3 by a bloody month [for the World Cup]. Isn’t this enough to prove our country has priorities mixed?

  Re: Ian Botham’s football career

  I saw Botham play at Hull’s old ground in the 1980s. To say he was a footballer was stretching it a bit. He had the stomach of Micky Quinn, the stamina of Özil and the touch of Carlton Palmer.

  If a player has been at a club for a minimum of 10 years, then badge kissing can be allowed. If they haven’t and they do it, yellow card.

  Why does the orchestra play ‘The Great Escape’ despite England being three–nil up? What should we be escaping from? Who are you trying to encourage?

  I hate the shoddy way the FA Cup Final is now treated. What happened to the build? Starting with what the players had for breakfast, interviews with the assistant physio, team buses leaving the hotel, etc?

  I didn’t believe it was possible that our contribution to the World Cup could be worse than our contribution to the Eurovision Song Contest, but it is by some distance. That takes some doing.

  When a country wins the World Cup trophy three times they get to keep the trophy permanently. If Brazil wins the new trophy three times then
they will have collected three World Cup trophies and will be declared the ultimate winners of the football. It will finally have been decided who has won the football, and football will end.

  We French love to rubbish the English about their national football team, their train system and, more than anything else, their hypocrisy.

  But we English hate the England football team more than you could ever dream of doing.

  If Manchester United had passed the ball accurately as often as this writer includes subordinate phrases in her sentences, David Moyes might still be manager.

  Four Wheels Good, Two Wheels Better

  Re: Lance Armstrong

  I think Lance should be applauded for winning the Tour de France. When I took shed loads of drugs I couldn’t even find my bicycle.

  Re: Bradley Wiggins

  This man was knighted for riding a bike? The mind boggles.

  Re: The Tour de France Yorkshire leg

  They think they are touring France when really they are in Yorkshire. What drugs are they on?

  Dangerous question to ask when discussing professional cycling …

  Re: The Tour de France Yorkshire leg

  A word of warning to anyone going to watch. I wasn’t paying attention as the caravan passed by and got hit in the eye by a flying baguette.

  Such a complete authentic French experience it could almost be marketed as a Guardian holiday.

  Re: Dangerous cyclists on the road

  I’m yet to meet a single ‘boy racer’ who also has a bell.

  Leather on Willow

  Re: Baseball v cricket

  If the game’s not on Radio 4 Long Wave, I’m against it.

  Being one of England’s most successful one-day players? That’s a bit like being one of Germany’s funniest comedians.

  England have learned to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in every format of the game. It is really quite an achievement.

  My last girlfriend did ask me once if I would rather play cricket than have sex (expecting me to say ‘have sex’). I think I hesitated too long when giving the answer; she wasn’t happy.

  Re: Cricket v football

  I’d like to see Robbie Savage facing Mitchell Johnson.

  Or a firing squad …

  Re: Test cricket v Twenty20

  If Test cricket is the opera, full of subtle movements and changes of momentum, of unbridled passion and utter despair, then IPL is punk rock, a sudden sharp burst of noise, sound and fury with the occasional hint of skill.

  Is cricket the only field in which Australians are always appealing?

  Re: Test cricket played at night

  I’m wondering what they will call the ‘intervals’. I’m assuming that after the first session everyone still comes off for tea, but for how long? Will the second meal break be ‘supper’, or ‘midnight munchies’ perhaps? A bowl of soup and a spot of cheese on toast? These things are important and need clarifying!

  Could be entertaining listening to the commentary – can’t imagine Ian Botham being able to stay sober until the end of play.

  I had a superstition about fielding at short leg after tea when egg sandwiches were served.

  Fighting Talk

  Pah, cage fighting? Easy peasy. All you need is a sturdy pair of bolt cutters. They don’t even try and run away.

  I see the popularity of ‘cage fighting’ as being part of the decline of Western civilisation. Just like Rome watching gladiator fights as its society crumbled, mixed martial arts is a sign of decadence and decline.

  The human race is in crisis, if you think men twatting each other is sport and entertainment. Nobody deserves respect, only pity.

  Re: Boxing titles

  If Djokovic, Nadal, Murray and Federer all took to prancing about with huge belts on, all claiming they were world champions while doing everything they could to avoid playing each other, I would think tennis was a complete and utter joke.

  I liked that wrestling you used to see on World of Sport where big, bearded, middle-aged fat men in one-piece bathing-suits jumped on each other and the grannies in the audience tried to join in.

  The Olympics, Summer

  Can people stop using ‘medal’ as a verb?

  Coldplay [at the Closing Ceremony] have just ruined the whole Olympics.

  Re: What is the legacy of the 2012 Games for you?

  A mild sense of ennui.

  Re: London 2012

  Amid the artificially induced euphoria, I’d like to remind people to keep an eye out for bad news that will be buried in the coming weeks.

  Re: Dressage

  Evidently the horses also get a plaque that they can attach to their stable … not sure how they do this with their hoofs (hooves?).

  From the 2012 Opening Ceremony Liveblog

  Oh Jesus Christ! There are morris dancers out there! Take that, Beijing!

  If the rich, private-school, Oxbridge types pole-danced it would have been in the Olympics years ago.

  The Olympics, Winter

  Lots of different ways of sliding around.

  You do wonder what on earth we’re trying to prove by putting public money into winning medals at tobogganing?

  New Balls Please

  Andy Murray – the first British man to win the Wimbledon men’s singles championship wearing shorts.

  Re: Wimbledon

  Outrageous: I believe Federer was told off for having orange soles on his tennis shoes, but not a word to Sharapova over her orange knickers. Give me strength.

  Re: Second serves

  I just don’t have the patience to sit there watching somebody repeatedly failing to do something which they could do every time if they had to.

  What’s happened to the single-handed backhand? Cliff Drysdale has a lot to answer for.

  Re: Serena Williams

  She is the Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor of female tennis.

  Surely it’s not beyond the wit of man to come up with hard courts that are a bit … y’know, softer on the knees?

  Funny-shaped Balls, Please

  Rugby is so tedious the fans applaud when the ball is booted off the pitch.

  Look at the shape of the ball – no wonder they have to carry it.

  I used to enjoy watching rugby, but I suffer from paranoia and every time they huddled down for a scrum I thought they were talking about me. It all became too much.

  I love the haka but feel the English should be able to respond in kind, with their own traditional battle chants.

  If you can’t enjoy the upcoming Wales v England game, you must be dead: war without bullets, beauty and the beast. I cannot wait.

  Everyone in New Zealand has to agree to ‘Like’ the All Blacks or they’re not allowed a Facebook account.

  10

  Why on Earth Would Anyone …

  There’s one question that unites internet commenters everywhere, and especially on the Guardian. It’s the ultimate question, not the one about Life, the Universe and Everything, but even more profound, even more important than that. Five little words that express more bewilderment, disdain, curiosity or joyous disbelief than any other in the English language … That question is: ‘Why on earth would anyone …’

  Why on earth would anyone, given the choice, watch ITV?