I Think I Can See Where You're Going Wrong Page 8
Why on earth would anyone iron their underwear?
Why on earth would anyone want to do DIY when there are so many unemployed plumbers and carpenters?
Why on earth do people still ‘live’ in Gateshead?
Why on earth would anyone have five Ramones albums? Once you’ve bought the first one, you’ve got them all.
Why on earth would anyone believe what is written in the Liberal Democrat manifesto?
Why on earth would anyone want to have sex on a rose-petalled bed?
As my partner suffers from acute and quite spectacular hay fever, I must confess that I have zero direct experience either of petal-strewn beds or rolls in the hay.
Well, certainly not me. I do all the housework and would have to hoover the bloody things up after.
Why on earth would anyone put chicken on a pizza? Seriously, that sounds disgusting. Tomato, mozzarella and basil – yes. Chicken – no.
Why on earth would anyone only use skimmed milk?
Re: Tea served in coffee shops
Why on earth would anyone go to Starbucks for the imperial beverage?
Why on earth would anyone want to learn how to make a Victoria sponge? They’re pale, dry, tasteless and, to quote my grandmother, ‘only fit for public exhibition’.
Why on earth would anyone try to produce a fluffy chip? They are supposed to be heavy. They sit comfortably overnight on the five pints consumed earlier, thus preventing dizziness and nausea, enabling one to awake fresh and alert in the morning.
Why on earth would anyone want to drink booze at work?
Same reason for masturbating at work: it’s fun, and you get paid for it.
Can I get a job in the place where you work? Oh, on second thoughts …
I actually work as a life model for art classes, so masturbating at work is somewhat difficult.
Why on earth would anyone want the head of what was once a living being on their wall? Would they also hang a human head?
Why on earth would anyone want to meet George Galloway,* and then spend time talking to him?
Re: MPs’ expenses
Why on earth would anyone need three garlic crushers? How can that be a justified MP’s expense?
One for his constituency home, one for his London home, and one for whipping up a spot of aioli during a commute?
Why on earth would anyone want to put his penis into a toaster?
Why on earth would anyone need an app for masturbation? People were happily doing it long before there were mobile phones. Really, that’s the great thing about masturbating – anyone can do it.
Why on earth would anyone use Microsoft Internet Explorer if they had a choice?
Why on earth would anyone even want to meet footballers? Most of them haven’t got two GCSEs to rub together.
Why on earth would anyone derive pleasure from golf caddying?
Why on earth would anyone take advice from someone called ‘Venice A. Fulton’? It sounds like a range of bidets.
Why on earth would anyone try to estimate the number of Aussies with an Irish granny?
Re: Strepsils’ Facebook page
Why on earth would anyone want to be faux friends with a cough lozenge?
Why on earth would anyone want to go to Vegas with Olly Murs? Unless they were planning on re-enacting an episode of CSI where a really annoying hat-wearing pop star dies in mysterious circumstances …
Why on earth would anyone want to see Ricky Gervais in HD?
Re: Merchandise with the Pope’s face on it
Why on earth would anyone want to buy a mug of an old man’s mug?
Why on earth would anyone want to work in ‘middle management of a large company’? Have you met these people?
Re: Notable guests at the royal wedding
Why on earth would anyone want the Blairs anywhere near them on their wedding day?
Why on earth would anyone buy a wooden bike? Very uncomfortable and splinters in your arse. No, thanks!
Why on earth would anyone beat up a tree?
Why on earth would anyone want to watch TV on the loo?
Why on earth would anyone want to drink lager in the UK? It resembles gnat’s piss – both in colour and taste – that has to be chilled to near freezing just to make it close to palatable. British real ale, well kept by a real publican, lightly effervescent and at cellar temperature so the full aroma and flavour can come out, is the greatest beer in the world.
Why on earth would anyone be jealous of a golfer?
Why on earth would anyone type ‘big Asian ass’ into a search? The donkey is indigenous to Africa. E. Africanus Asinus.
Re: New high-speed rail link between London and Birmingham
But why on earth would anyone want to go to Birmingham?
Why on earth would anyone see being short as some sort of defect that has to be corrected by high heels?
Because I haven’t perfected the art of levitation yet.
Why on earth would anyone be watching football when there’s a cracking Midsomer Murders repeat on ITV1?
* George Galloway: politician and reality TV cat impersonator.
Acknowledgements
We’d like to thank the brilliant Guardian commenters (listed below) whose contributions are included in this book. Their wit, energy and world view made this project and indeed our whole website, a delight to read and work on:
1nn1t, aalmenara, Abdullah Abdi, aboleth, agedlady, AgentKitson, alanredangel, alb1on, Albert Ravey, albion08, Alex239, alexanderolive, alexandraUB, alexito, Alfresco11, aliendrum, alimantado, alldoomed, alloomis, ally07, AllyF, Ameliascottage, amsams, Andrew Lawton, andyrev, aoife101, AppleFan, Approveds, Apresmoiledeluge, ariel3, Arnemetius, arosoff, arpies, ArseneKnows, ArthurTheCat, astgameplayer, Avongirl, AwesomeCroc, AzuraTheBlueDevil, BabyJonker, BaggiosChip, BarbarianAtTheGate, BarneyQ, BaronGrovelville, Barrier, Barry Minge, BarryHercules1979, BarryJames, bartletsjacket, beccajane, beccalikesbooks, beeanchor, beegdawg007, Benulek, BigDukeSix, bigworv, billysbar, bishbosh, bllckchps, blueguitarman, Blusoulman, Bob Helpful, bobsyouruncle1, BombNumber20, borisoftickfen, borleg, BornInBrighton1968, boynamedstu, bradgate, Brandybuck, breisleach, brimble, BristolBoy, Bullgod, BurgermaS, CageRider, camdencarrot, CaptCrash, caracol, caskconditioned, Catch22, caterinadisiena, causeoreffect, CelticSaint, CentralBelter, cerealcat, champ16ns, Chazza, Chloe1066, chm4lm, Chris Icarus, Chris Swan, ChrisBenton, chrisjhutch11, christabelaroo, clarissadesward, clivejw, cockermouth, CompassionateTory, Composer, ConfuciusHeSay, conifer2, Conor Maverick Mallen, Consortium11, CordwainerBird, Cosmodemon, CountlessElizabeth, craigtherage, crouchyvixxxen69, CrypticMirror, DameHedwig, Dan Gatliff, danjc93, DanSmith, daveydor, David Bana, David Bromley, davidiain, davidjjknowles, dcwishart, DeConstruct, DeepSlumber, defusenik, deiseach, depad65, Desmond Miles, Diana Price, dieter2602, DistortedViola, doriela, DorkingBoy, Dormsville, DrabWilly, DrJazz, dudemanguy, DunkirkPi, dunmail, Dweezle, Dylanwolf, EastFinchleyite, eerwego, eggiebread, eggstatic, el0villano, elbowgrease, elmondo2012, elmsyrup, EmersonsIPA, EricPickLess, evangelink, Fakecharitybuster, falzmania, farfrom, FarsleyBantam, FastGamePlayer, FatherNoelFurlong, FearTheKittens, feeling, Fergus Brown, Fezz76, figbat, foolwhoknows, Forestlands, frankiecrisp, freepoland, fridgeman, frindsbury, fripouille, Fuchsiagrower, furbossina, futdashukup, fuzzgin, Galaxina, Gallinaingles, gaswoman, Gav67, geoeeee, GeoffTr, GeorgeOilwell84, George White, gerard1marks, gfpdiehn, Giftedcynic, GilbertTheAlien, gironomo55, giveusaclue, Glammerocity, glendoan, GMonet, Gooner67, Gordonbnt, GordonBrown12, grafittilessons, Grampie, greensox, Grimo1, gruniadreader666, gullibletraveller, haardvark, halfeatern, HappyPal, HappyValley, harangutan2006, hardatwork, HarryTheHorse, HeathCardwell, HeatherR, Heavycola, heedtracker, Hegelian, hellopaul, HelloPoorPeople, hermionegingold, hexgar, hiccup1, Hol48, holdingahighline, holzy, Hooloovoo, Hundred and Ten Percent, hydroxyl, iainl, IceCreamTony, ID3271332, ID4719109, ID6219391, ID7776906, IgorBeaver, imalwaysangry2, Imorse, IndependentLady, inmufti, Isaachunt60, ItsAnOutrage2, itshokukonane, IvanTiger, IzzyMoreno,
Jairzhino, James Ley, JamesMM, jameswilson4000, Jane Duncan Thurlow, jayemp, JBGrenouille, jbrag, Jen Robinson, JennieKermode, JestersDead, JezKeen, JGradyCole, JimdeB, jlr26170, Joe Turner, joelgion, John Tarr, johncrowe, Johnl, JohnTMaher, JohnYardDog, JolyonWagg, Jonna Sercombe, jptoc, jstone, justablokw, kaff, Keith Cunningham, kellyseyenumberone, Kemster, kendrew, KingCrud, Kippps, kisunssi, kloxile, Knitterbird, Kovich, kristinekochanski, KrawuziKapuzi, Kyle Whittall, LabanTall, LadyC, ladymarmalade, Lakshmanab, lambofgod, lansing, LaxativeFunction, legalman, lexcredendi, Lexicon1, Leonnoel, Leopold1904, Lhur2006, limu, LionelMessias, LiviaDrusilla, llamalpaca, logisticalnightmare, longpete, LordMeowingtons, losttheremote, LouisaLou, LoveActuary, lporter, LTOtt, lusucanna, Lycidas, LyzlowGrzybowski, M Wilson, macisadog, madbobwillis, Madranon, Maentwrog, makinavajar, mamahuhu, maninthemoon, ManofConstantSorrow, MarieCurie, Mark Mclauchlan, markwallace, MarmaladeQueen, MartinRDB, MartyMcFlytipper, matt70380, mattmcneany, Maugrim, mawhite, MaxTurbotron, mccartney77, MelanieDubliner, Meranerin, mergatroidohara, Meristem, Merperson, metalvendetta, MichaelBulley, michaelmichael, mignonette, Mike Brown, mikedow, MikeRichards, mikio44, MisterRed, MisterSquiddy, Monchberter, moneyallgone, MoreTears, moretheylie, Mornex74, Morninglight, Morph81, Moryu, MostUncivilised, mototom, moules, MountEtna, MoveAnyMountain, MrSHolmes, MsHedgehog, MsRobinson, MurdamCloud, Murmur, Musetta, mushyp, Mutterer, mysensephalon, nacom, nails7, Nanea, Narin Bahar, nega9000, neilmac1921, NeitherYankNorBri, NeXTNY, Niall0007, Nic Price, nocausetoaddopt, nocod, NorfolkBoy, Northumbriana, Nosnhoj, NotWithoutMyMonkey, nzgirluk, Odicean, offshoretomorrow, oggaman, ohagandaaz, ohandanotherthing, one gonk, operationjulie, Oranje14, originaltitle, OttoMaddox, PadraigOHooligan, pandachops, ParcelOfRogue, PariahCarefree, PatriciaPJ, pbendall, peopleisstupid, peppermintish, Peridot, PeteBr, Phud, pickledhennings, PierreGn, PinkChocolate, pithyblogname, Plummy, plurien, Polymorph, pommyb, P_R_Proudhon, prankmonkey, pretendname, ProfessorPlums, Pubbore, Publunch, puntoebasta, Purity, Puss, Quackersyard, quittoexit, R042, Rachelthedigger, Racje, Ragnor, Raya Speed, rdrr, Reynard the Fox, rhinestonecowgirl, rickylee369, RoaroftheSevernBore, Robert Vorthman, Robstacle, RollandLeRat, Roosterbooster198, RossCovert, rottiesteve, Rotwatcher, rowett, rukiddingme2, Sachertorte, sailthedarkenedseas, saintpellegrino, saintzeno, Sallyroberts, SamGamgee, sammsmith, Samvara, Sandmaennchen, Scamander2, Sceptic101, Seastaugh, selosra, SergeantBash, Setanta4Now, sfk2, shauny, showmaster, sillyknut, silverkaite, Simgeo, SimonG1, simonmaxwell, SimonMobileDisco, SirWiggo, skipissatan, sloftslime, snowybutfine, SonOfTheDesert, sosprey, southcombe, Spacedone, Spikediswhack, SPLD, splendido, Spoonface, Stabbo2, Starfcker, startingover, stepney52, Steve Bagley, StevieWeegie, stoneface1, StrawBear, StrokerAce, Strollinby, Strummered, stupidwise, subprime, sunds, SuperAiChan, SValmont, swedishyorkie, Synchronisity, Tamar123, tarahill3, taraibiza, Tarantella, teaandchocolate, Tehillim, TenWhoWereTaken, texavery, tezzad, Thanosi, The_Truth_Hurts, TheDogShouterer, TheIndian777, TheJoyOfEssex, TheStowE17, TheTruthisaLie, theWeeb, ThisIsMyEighthName, ThisLeeNoble, ThomasBetham, thornbush, throwawayaccount2, tigerm, TissueOfFlies, TobyLatimer, TodayIamtheZodiac, tomsito, tooskintogotocuba, tristanmax, TVwriter, tweetiepie16, unaszplodrmann, unclearleo, Unconstituted, unhombredesw19, unleaded, upgrayedd85, urardo, Urmston86, valdez, vomittingmeerkat, vonZeppelin,voodoo22, waitingtopounce, wasson, Waterkanter, Wellesz, wightangler, Willbox, willmau5, windbag, Wolf44Blues, wooablackbetty, wordtaster, YevgenyChar, yoyoga, Zakelius, Zakida, zeefor, Zuvtawov943
Huge thanks as ever to my colleagues in the thoroughly under-acknowledged Guardian Communities team, past and present: Laura Oliver, Joanna Geary, James Walsh, Elena Cresci, Carmen Fishwick, Hannah Waldram, Adam Boult, Marta Bausells, Maeve Shearlaw, Hannah Freeman, Paul Campbell, Bella Mackie, Caroline Bannock, Ruth Spencer and Amanda Michel, Jonathan Alford, Owen Duffy, Tom Fox, Tom Stevens, Laura Kay, Michael Hubbard, Matthew Holmes, Catherine Burrell, Jon Briley, Dawn Foster, Stephanie Munro, Nicola Milne, James Merino, Ed Hadfield, Andrew Diamond, Annabel Andrews, Olivia O’Sullivan, Sarah Lindon, Adaobi Ifeachor and all the Guardian and Observer staff who help us do our job.
Thanks too for the co-operation and support of Sheila Pulham, Jan Thompson and Alan Rusbridger.
Much appreciation is due to Laura Hassan at Guardian Faber whose patience and support in this project and its editor has pulled it through from inception.
Finally, thanks and love to Emma Dalby Bowler who, a decade on, is still keeping me from going quite, quite mad.
About the Editor
Marc Burrows is a senior community moderator for the Guardian’s ‘Comment Is Free’. He removes comments when the CIF hits the fan. He is also a stand-up comedian and bass player in the anachronistic punk band The Men That Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing. @20thcenturymarc
About the Illustrator
Tom Gauld is a cartoonist and illustrator. He draws a weekly cartoon for the Guardian and is the author of a number of comic books including You’re All Just Jealous of My Jetpack. @tomgauld
Copyright
First published in 2014
by Guardian Books, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London, N1 9GU
and by Faber & Faber Ltd, Bloomsbury House,
74–77 Great Russell Street, London, WC1B 3DA
This ebook edition first published in 2014
All rights reserved
© Guardian News Media, 2014
Illustrations © Tom Gauld, 2014
Introduction © Marc Burrows, 2014
Foreword © John Crace, 2014
Cover design by Faber and Tom Gauld
The right of Marc Burrows to be identified as editor of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
The right of Tom Gauld to be identified as illustrator of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly
ISBN 978–1–783–35068–1